Welcome to the weird world of my twisted imagination…

Thank you for visiting. If you’re here, perchance you like books? Good, because books I have!

Fancy a hilarious romp through Cornwall, following the exploits of the world’s geekiest and most inept vampire hunter? Then you need to read the Brian Helsing series, starting with Mission #1 – Just Try Not To Die. Download it for free on Amazon HERE.

Is dark and epic fantasy more your bag? Begin the epic, multi-novel spanning Graeme Stone Saga, commencing with The Descent to Madness. Download it for free on Amazon HERE.

Looking for a chilling horror/urban fantasy? Then join Kyle and his Wiccan friends as they protect Cornwall from the grim supernatural threats slowly awaking in the Cornish Guardians books, beginning with book one, The Knacker, which is free to download from Amazon HERE.

Thank you for visiting! Please check back or sign up to my newsletter to keep abreast of new releases!

 

Brian Helsing Mission 12: The Twelve Labours of, umm, Brian – coming soon!

“Come on,” Brian said, elbowing him in the side. “Enough of that, let’s get your baccy and sort some poverty.”

“Sort some poverty.” Neil chuckled lowly as they strode towards the orange, neon-lit entrance to the superstore. “Wonder how many times that sentence has been said out loud? Well, by anyone but Bono. Hold on.” He pointed at a bundle of tattered rags by the door, sat upright in the form of a dishevelled man. “We might be in luck.”

The homeless man stared at them suspiciously as they approached with smiles on their faces.

“And what do you two want?” he growled, stroking the sleeping Staffordshire bull terrier by his side.

“Charmed, I’m sure,” Brian replied. “Can’t imagine business is good with an attitude like that?”

“Hmph.” The man snorted. “Usually when people approach me with shit-eating grins like that on their faces, it’s cos they’re about to rob me.”

“Rob you?” Brian eyed the man dubiously, all unkempt beard, dirty clothes, a knackered old backpack full of whatever worldly possessions laying by his side. Heroin, he thought. Or perhaps a bottle of White Lightning. “What on earth would they rob you of? I’d say shoes, but you’re not wearing any.”

“You’d be surprised. People think we make bank doing this.”

“Who thinks that?”

“People.”

“Right, okay. And how much do you make in a day exactly?”

Eyes narrowed again.

“Why? You thinking of robbing me?”

Brian rolled his eyes.

“We’ve already been over this, no-one in their right minds would rob you.”

“I don’t know if you’re in your right minds or not, do I?”

“Well, no…”

“There ya go, then.”

“Look, I’m trying to be helpful here, okay? Do my good deed for the day, and all that.” He reached for his wallet, keen to earn some brownie points with the Olympus squad, but starting to wonder whether having an angry god on his tail might be preferable to this awkwardness. Skimming out a handful of notes, he continued. “How much does a typical day of begging earn you? £10? £20?”

The beggar eyed the notes, licking his lips.

“Between fifty and a hundred, most days, I’d say.”

“Hundred bloody quid?” Brian’s eyes narrowed so deeply with scepticism he could barely see. “Really? You’ll have me believe that sitting out on Penzance streets holding a cup in front of you can net you a hundred quid a day? I’m in the wrong job! No wonder you’re scared of being mugged.”

“It’s the dog,” the man nodded, patting the snoring bundle of mange beside him. “People like dogs, they do.”

“Aye, people like dogs. People also like money, preferably remaining in their own pocket. No homeless person is earning a hundred quid a day, cos if there were, they wouldn’t need to be bloody homeless, would they?”

“Fifty, then.”

“Fif…?” Brian shook his head, glancing to a grinning Neil at his side. Neil seemed to thrive off uncomfortable situations, the awkwardness running off him like water from a duck’s back, seeing only the humour in them. Brian, on the other hand, felt every uncomfortable moment. Which was odd – after so many awkward encounters in his life, he should have been immune to it by now. Like that Roman emperor who tried to poison himself. “He’s bartering with me, Neil. I could have walked on by, not giving him time of day, and now he’s bartering as to how much money I give him.”

“You’re the one that asked how much I earn,” the tramp protested. “Not my fault you don’t believe it.”

“I don’t believe it cos it’s bollocks.”

“Fifty quid, take it or leave it.”

“Take or leave what? I’m giving you money, not buying something. Though at this moment, I’d gladly give a hundred quid just to extricate myself from this conversation.”

“Alright then, a hundred quid it is.”

“Wait, no, I didn’t mean…”

“Bri.” Neil shaking his head, trying his hardest not to laugh. “Remember what’s at stake, yeah? The mission? Just give the man some money, it might be the first Labour over and done with. Also, I’m gagging for a fag, and I can’t roll one without any baccy, can I?”

“Fine.” Brian scowled down at the beggar, handing over some notes. “Fifty quid, not a bloody hundred. Be thankful I’m feeling in a charitable mood today.”

“Thanks, mate!” the man beamed, revealing approximately fifty percent of the teeth he’d started out life with. “Made my day, that has.”

“Aye, I bloody bet it has. Don’t go spending it on drink and drugs, will ya?”

The beggar’s smile widened, funnily enough revealing no more teeth.

“I can’t promise that.”

“Go on,” Neil prompted Brian, pointing at his phone. “You gonna check? Task complete, or what?”

Brian nodded, taking his phone out of his pocket and bringing up the app.

“Labour One,” he read out. “Incomplete. Fuck.” He stuffed the phone angrily back in his jeans pocket. “Well, that was a waste of money and time, wasn’t it?”

“Not for me,” the beggar chuckled. “Also, if you’re going in to get baccy anyway, you mind getting me some? Fifty gram of Amber Leaf’d see me right.”

“Get some yaself, you cheeky sod. I know full well you’ve got fifty quid in your pocket!”

“Yeah, but that’s for drugs.”

Keeping You Up To Date, 24/10/20

So, what’s new then?

Firstly, I’m pleased (and nervous) to say that MULTIPLE NEW SERIES are inbound! Yes, multiple. And you’ll be happy to know that these are going to be Helsing-related! As I’ve been writing Brian’s adventures, I’ve come to love some of the crazy side-characters he’s met along the way. To the point where I started to think…

Some of these guys need their own series.

And so, coming soon…

An aquatic police procedural, set in the Caribbean, starring a long-legged, vegan friend…

An environmental thriller Down Under, featuring a certain tattooed, pipe-smoking medicine man…

Wicker Man? More like Wicca Woman… Highland cultists get more than they bargained for when they kidnap the wrong people, incurring the wrath of a flame-haired, tartan-sporting witch…

Oni? Oh no! Ninja shenanigans in neon-lit Tokyo, featuring our favourite group of shinobi comic-book stars…

But first…

Hemlock: Goblin Detective.

Join Liss, our favourite kick-ass Fairy, as she sets out to solve crimes with Hemlock – the Scilly Isles’ greatest (and only) Goblin Detective. Slug mafia bosses, mystery meat Kebabs, and a Mirror with the power of Quantum! Which means that no-one really knows what it does…

All these and more are coming soon. And yes, there might be some special cameos from characters we know and love…

Stay tuned!

I’m gonna start Reviewing! Books, that is. Not, like, restaurants, n stuff. Books. Yeah!

God, reviews are just… they’re just great. Every author gets giddy when they get a new review on their book. Not only does it give one a warm, fuzzy feeling to see that other people actually ENJOYED something that you wrote, but it’s also excellent marketing material – social proof that other people read your books, which is sometimes just the little push a potential new reader will need to take a chance on your book. Even bad reviews, where someone really rips your book to shreds can at the very least get people’s attention.

And for Indie authors, who usually lack the bulging wallets and marketing punch of large publishing houses, all attention is good attention.

And so, I’m gonna start writing some book reviews on my site.

I, like many people, download free books. I get Freebooksy, Bookbub, ENT emails in my inbox every day, telling me what juicy new books I can snag for free that day. Most often, these books are from Indie authors, as offering a book for free is one of the more successful marketing strategies an Indie can employ. People like free. They’re willing to take a chance on it.

Most of the time, these free books are the first in a series. The idea is to offer the first book free as a ‘try before you buy’ type of deal. I use it too. The first Brian Helsing is free. You probably already knew that.

And so… I’m going to start reviewing free, first-in-series Indie books. I’m going to let you know my thoughts (which you are free to disregard – most people do) on whether these series are fun and worth getting in to.

I shall be adding a whole, shiny new reviews section to the website, for your perusal. I shall be trying to read a book a week. And, if you’re an author who would like a review on a site that gets, ooh, a good two or three visitors a year, or if you’re a reader who has stumbled upon a new Indie series you absolutely love, please contact me, either by commenting on this post or sending me an email.

And so, let’s get started…

First book – Locked Tight (Mindjack: Zeph Book 1) by Susan Kaye Quinn.

 

Brian Helsing: Mission 11: Steamin’ Ahead, coming soon!

Brian Helsing Mission 11: Steamin’ Ahead, is landing soon!
 
A Satyr, a supernatural servant of Bacchus, the god of excess, is causing havoc at a Steam and Country Fair, revving the bearded exhibitors up into a late-night and disgusting frenzy of drink, drugs and sex that absolutely no-one wants to see.
 
And so Brian and Gertie don their leathers and ride classic motorcycles across the country, pretending to be exhibitors in order to put a stop to the orgiastic mayhem.
 
And Brian, as ever, isn’t keen on the idea.
 
———
 
“There is no way in hell I am riding that thing. It will end in death, namely mine. And I mean will. Not may, not might, not there exists the possibility. Something will fall off – either a wheel, or myself – and I will go under a lorry, or over a bridge, or into a tree. Motorcycles, and this one in particular, are bloody deathtraps and I will have no further part in this exercise.”
 
Brian finished his rant, staring suspiciously down at the pile of chrome, steel and leather in the Sanctum’s garage. Even as he watched, the contraption was slowly leaking a slick of black oil onto the tiles, like an old, incontinent dog gently peeing itself unawares.
 
Frank sniffed in irritation.
 
“Have some confidence, young Helsing,” he rumbled, slapping Brian on the shoulder of his thickly padded, brown Belstaff biker jacket. “This machine is one of the greatest workhorses of the British motorcycling industry. It was used by messengers during wartime to courier orders twixt commanders and the front line. The BSA M21 is a side-valved single-cylinder, renowned for its reliability.” The gigantic smith slowly wiped a greasy rag over the chrome and burgundy tear-drop fuel tank. “You should feel honoured to ride it – they are highly collectable, very few of these machines remain.”
 
“Yeah, and I can see why. They all got crashed. It doesn’t even have rear suspension, man! Just springs under the seat, like a bloody couch! Even my two-hundred quid mountain bike from Halfords has rear suspension. And I’m supposed to ride that from Cornwall to the East fucking Midlands?”
 
“You’ll be fine,” Gertie chuckled, eyes never leaving her own steed, a jet black Royal Enfield Bullet, her fingers lightly stroking the paintwork. “We’ll make plenty of stop-offs on the way. Besides, you’ll soon grow to love it, I’m sure. These old bikes have character.”
 
“Hannibal Lecter had character. Wouldn’t want to ride him for three hundred miles, either!”

Brian Helsing, Mission #10: The Mountains of Crapness, out now!

Drum-roll please…

Brian Helsing, Mission #10: The Mountains of Badness… is now LIVE!

It’s been a long time coming, but Brian and co’s tenth adventure is bigger, badder, scarier and more full of madcap hi-jinks than ever before!

Join Brian and his friends as they venture deep into the frigid waste of Antarctica, ready to unleash the power of the gathered Artefacts and hit Cthulu’s snooze button before he wakes up to bring an end to the world as we know it! Because that would be… yknow. Bad, and stuff.

 

What a year…

So, I’ve been absent from this site for far, far too long.

Unfortunately, as with most writers, I’m not a full-time professional writer (yet!), thus my writing activities have to fit in around real life.

With changing jobs, changing home, then this whole, terrible Covid-19 situation, writing, and maintaining the site and Facebook pages, had to take a back seat for a while. Hell, I didn’t even update the site to tell people that Helsing Mission#9: Devil Down Under was out!

Damn…

Still, things are once again in motion. My mojo is back.

‘Brian Helsing Mission #10: The Mountains of Crapness’ is literally 90% finished and well on the way to being released.

AND, in addition, I’ve landed a coveted Bookbub promotion on the permafree first Mission, Try Not to Die, so soon (hopefully) many, many more Brianphiles will be joining our ranks!

Thank you all for your patience. It’s been a long, long gap between missions 9 and 10. But it’s incoming. And hopefully it will be well worth the wait.

Thanks again all.

 

Gaz

Helsing Mission 8 – The (Very) Scilly Isles, coming soon!

Life has a habit of getting in the way of writing. Eight-week old Cocker Spaniel puppies in particular. But I’ve finally begun making progress on the eighth installment of Brian’s adventures. Expect it by the end of the month!

Cheers – Gaz.

 

“Fairies are no trifling matter, Helsing,” Heimlich replied. “They are diminutive but deadly. And, with their fifth-dimensional magicks, they can affect the very strings of fate, bringing us mortals good luck… or bad, as the residents of the Scilly Isles have been discovering to their detriment.”

“Bad luck, eh?” Brian snorted, pushing open the door to the Snug and gesturing for Heimlich to enter ahead of him. “You’ll forgive me for my lack of empathy; asking me to feel sorry for someone suffering bad luck is like asking a starving Ethiopian child to pity you for lack of tartare sauce to put on your scampi and chips.”

“This is bad luck of a most lethal kind, Helsing.”

“As is mine, most of the time,” Brian mused, making his way towards the drinks cabinet and opening the mahogany double doors to reveal the beer fridge behind. He selected a bottle of Doom Bar, before turning back to Heimlich and twisting the top off. It wasn’t a twist-off cap, but when you had supernatural strength, it didn’t really matter. “And you never hear me complaining.”

“You complain frequently and at great length,” the Master of Magic retorted, clicking his fingers and summoning a glass of brandy to hand. “But that is by-the-by. You are the Helsing, thus handsomely paid to face such danger. The poor residents of the Scilly Isles, however, are fishermen and pub landlords, shop-workers and schoolteachers. Ordinary innocents who shouldn’t be at the mercy of magical foes.” He took a sip of his brandy, before frowning and glancing down at the smoothly moving hands on his Breitling watch. “It’s… eleven a.m. Why the hell are we drinking?”

“I’m still up from the night before,” Brian shrugged, taking a slurp of his beer. “New Warcraft expansion out, and I’ve been up all night levelling my character. Started drinking at eight last night and not gone to bed since, so technically I’m not so much starting today’s drinking, as just continuing last night’s. Was gonna sober myself up with a coffee, but seeing as you caused me to spill half of it down my fucking hoody, I gave that up as a non-starter. What’s your excuse?”

“I… I’m not sure, in all honesty,” Heimlich grimaced. “Just habit, I guess. We seem to start all of our briefings with an alcoholic beverage. It’s worrying, at times.” He stared at his brandy for a moment, before shrugging, and taking another sip. “In for a penny…”

Brian flopped down on a sofa, placing his enormous and ageing CAT boots on the leather, a move that caused Heimlich to wince in sympathy for the antique couch.

“So, where are the other Masters?” Brian asked, taking a glug of his beer.

“Preparing themselves to instruct you. A process which always requires some girding of the loins beforehand.”

“C’mon, I’m not that bad, not these days.”

“You are, and always shall be, that bad. And, as I keep reminding you, and you keep forgetting, you’ve barely scratched the surface of the ring’s powers. You are still somewhat limited in your sorcerous repertoire compared to your predecessors.”

“Limited? I’ve got myself a veritable smorgasbord of magical tricks up my sleeve!”

“Do you even know what a smorgasbord is, Helsing?”

Brian paused, bottle halfway to his lips.

“Some kind of… fish?”

Brian Helsing: Mission #7 – out now!!!

Well, Brian’s not killed enough vampires in the series so far, not by my reckoning. This book changes that. Big time.

The Circus is coming to town, and it’s not ordinary circus. And the Ringmaster, Ravioli, is in possession of one of the fabled Artefacts needed to put Cthulu back to sleep.

So Brian has no choice but to slap on the greasepaint and go undercover, in this, Mission 7: Cirque du Vampire.

Brian Helsing Mission #4: Land of the Rising Damp – Out now!

Brian is back in another adventure… and boy does he have a rough time of it. Though that’s par for the course where poor Brian’s concerned.

Summoned half the world away to help Japan’s beleaguered Oni-Hunters as they battle the terrifying Kappa; half-ninja turtle, half, well… normal turtle.

He makes new friends (somehow), new enemies (that’s more like it), and battles his way through such obstacles as wasabi, airport security, and death itself.

Enjoy!

 

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07CVJ7NHY